Dressing for Court

Believe it or not, there is a sign at one of our local courts that advises people that bathing suits are prohibited.  WHAT!??!!  You say, “Who could think that a bathing suit is appropriate attire?”.  Trust me, I had this conversation with my fabulous partner on his first trip to that court.  He absolutely did not believe that someone would wear a bathing suit to court.  Then, the first summer he was working there, he became a believer.

I saw the sign again the other day and it stuck in my head.  “No bathing suits”.. Sure, most of us would not think of wearing a bikini to a court.  However, there are all kinds of other, less obvious traps that folks fall into every.single.day.  I call them: “Over-dressing your request”, “Casually uncool” and “What were you thinking?”.  Now, these are in the context of the courtroom ‘cause that’s where I live.  However, they also apply to the work place, the gym place, the street place, anyplace really.  I’m going to hop up on my soap box again for a wee minute to address some issues. Let’s face it, I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight unless we do.  

Over Dressing – The most rare of attire faux pas, it does still exist and can cause trouble in unexpected ways.  We all want to look our best.  However, if you are going to ask a judge to give you a public defender for your criminal case, or to lower your child support obligation, the choice of a Coach bag, or a Prada belt, or a baseball cap with the tag still on it will probably not help your cause.  The Court does not know if the bag is a knock off, or the hat was a gift from your Grandma for your birthday, and they are not likely to ask.  I wouldn’t.  Also, if there’s the chance that you’re going to lock up, 15 lbs of jewelry maaaaay be a poor choice.  Also, that 3 piece super fine woven silk suit with matching suede heeled boots? Whoa. Just Whoa.

Under Dressing –  Things that should be off the table for court immediately are: Gym shoes (even shiny super clean ones), t-shirts, hoodie sweat shirts, non-hoodie sweat shirts, jogging pants, etc.  Torn jeans, whether you tore them or they came that way. Unless they’re Jeaggings, in which case – see the next category.   While jeans have gained acceptance in the regular work place and all sorts of previously formal events, most JO’s still cringe at the sight of them.  I know one JO who, afraid that she was being unreasonable, went to several Goodwill stores around the city to compare prices for jeans and khaki pants.  She determined that both jeans and khaki pants were priced the same ($3 if you are curious).  She determined, therefore, that the excuse of “I can’t afford to buy pants that aren’t jeans” would no longer be accepted.  She’s kind of a genius so I trust her judgment.

We should not even have to say this – If you can wear it to a night club, a health club, or to bed, it does not belong beyond courthouse security.  If it says “Juicy” anywhere on it, leave it at home.  If you bought them in the slipper department but they look like regular shoes (I’m not judging, I bought them too…) don’t even try it.  The Court does not want to know how great your legs are and no, leggings, jeaggings and opaque tights are not pants.  I saw a man leaving a paternity proceeding recently wearing a t-shirt that said “Not a Role Model”.  I don’t know what he was seeking in that hearing but you can bet that the judicial officer took his t-shirt as truth.  Also, just because I have to say it, see through lace shirts with a different color bra, seriously? 

Good GRIEF?!?!  What is this world coming to?  It is -15 outside and some “gentleman” just bit it in the middle of the street because his pants were so low that he couldn’t bend his knees to save himself when he slipped.  I don’t know what look he was going for but “attractive” wasn’t what he put off.  In fact, young fellas, here is a PSA from the ladies: We don’t think your butt being out in public is attractive.  We don’t think your underwear, whatever the style or label, being out in public is attractive.  Please for the love of Pete, pull up your pants.  Help me, help you.  (Thank you Jerry McGuire  that face at the :52 mark?  Yeah, I made it about 47 times last week.)

 In the words of the immortal Tony Dungy: “If you sag in the behind, you sag in the mind.”  I read that on a poster at the YMCA last summer, it is catchy. But seriously, please don’t wear a bathing suit to court.

-DEC