Slow Clap From the Back Left Pew

I grew up sitting in the back left pew at Lakeview United Church of Christ.  I know it may be surprising, but back then I preferred to observe before jumping into things and the back left pew was a great place to do just that. 

*This is pretty much the view from my old pew.   Technology is crazy, I know.

Back in those days, I would generally wait to see what the rest of the congregation would do before I’d follow my impulses. I was young.  That’s pretty much worn off these days.  On occasion though, following a really great choir ballad, in the quiet of the sanctuary I’d hear a soft slow clap, reflecting the cry of my heart, start from somewhere in the sanctuary. It never started from this girl sitting in  the back left pew.   

Fast forward a couple of decades and I’ve been ruminating on the noticeable change I’ve run into of late.  Increasingly I meet or observe rude, hostile individuals who feel free to say the most horrible things by justifying them with the statements “I’m just being honest” or “I’m being my authentic self”. Admittedly, sometimes my filter turns off and I speak a harsh truth.  I try to do it though in a way that does not cause the recipient to run crying from the room.  (Regardless of the fact that I may actually sort of WANT to send them crying from the room.)  I filter myself in the names of the greater good, and world peace.  I’m not entirely uncivilized, I assure you.  It seems, however, that the whole “brutal honesty” trend is becoming more and more common place.  I may prove myself old and crotchety for my years, but I just cannot rest easily with this. 

This week while watching an episode of The Bachelor (don’t judge, everyone needs their mindless relaxations…sometimes mine comes in the form of “reality” television) I saw a “gentleman” reduce a woman to tears for the umpteenth time with statements he followed up with “I’m just being honest” as justification.  This time, in response to this statement the crying lady responded with “there’s a difference between being ‘honest’ and being an ‘a**h*le’”.

BAM.  First ever slow clap from the back left pew people.  You know what?  Standing ovation coming from that back left pew.  I’ve been waiting weeks to stop watching this show hoping just one person would respond to the tear inducing “honesty” flowing freely across the screen.  Now, I can rest easy switching back over to Jeopardy or Rehab Addict.  I feel much better about my tv time when I at least come away learning random bits of trivia or useful skills like how to rehab the bathroom in a 200 year old house with the appropriate grout color for the subway tile.  Sadly, I’m not kidding about that. 

Happy FRIDAY!

-        DEC

I’m So Excited, and No, Not Because of Diet Pills

I may have mentioned it before: I love the law.  I love practicing law.  Besides showing up in court rooms and fighting with people, and making the occasional Constitutional law argument (believe it or not, it does happen), I get to do some other really cool law related things that cause the occasional geek out.  These occasions include, but are not limited to: volunteering as a Guardian ad Litem (very cool), serving as an “Ambassador” of the Indiana Attorney General’s office at community events, presiding as a judge pro tem over court proceedings, and the most recent geek out opportunity - the opportunity to speak at one of this summer’s immigration and naturalization ceremonies.  Why is that a “geek out” opportunity?  Because I.Love.America.

I know it may not be cool to say, but I do.  With all her faults and flaws and discord, I love her from sea to shining sea.  Except parts of Kansas (I-70 anyone?).  Sorry Kansas.  I get choked up at the sound of a crowd singing the Star Spangled Banner even when it is off key.  As anyone who has been with me at the opening of the “greatest spectacle in racing”, you can pretty much consider me down for the count after a WWII flyover.  Any flyover really.  I am in love with where we’ve been and in prayer for where we will go.  That does not, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that I agree with every policy made by any leader or governing body of my lifetime.  On the contrary I can think of a good many, especially of late, that give me great pause.  That is the beauty of this place.  I can absolutely categorically to my bones disagree with a major policy decision, or war, or domestic or international policy, or tax, or non-tax, and not have to love my country any less.  But I was born with it.

For more than two centuries, this country has allowed my family the freedoms and opportunities to chase life, liberty and engage in the pursuit of happiness in whatever direction they’ve seen fit.  I am excessively excited to be able to share that with a new group of fellow Americans.  I know that people come here for different reasons and that everyone’s experiences are different.  I know that we are not always going to agree.  I also know that at that ceremony, I will be looking into the faces of some people who have done what I’ve never had to. They’ve “chosen” us.  For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, they’ve said goodbye to old homelands and cast their lot with us and that is huge to me.  I’m thankful for them.  I’m thankful for the reminder of everything that I love about my home.  There have been dark days, certainly, and there always will be.  We are promised the opportunity to pursue happiness, not that it will be handed to us and I think that is a beautiful thing.  For myself, the beauty, the pride, comes from the hard battle won.  Even in the courtroom I take less joy in the easy victories.   I hope that these new citizens are ready to roll up their sleeves and dig in because there is work to be done.  I hope that they see all of the possibilities that lay before them.  I hope that two hundred years from now their 15^th great grandchild will be just as geeked out to stand in front of a crowd and bid welcome as I am.  Because, if you can’t tell, I’m pretty excited.

Better get a box of tissues.

-DEC

You Should Not be Surprised If You Go to Jail If…

This man is confused.  (No actual likeness known to any real person, especially not current or former client(s).) He’s suddenly found himself behind bars but he’s not sure what, in the world, he’s done!

We don’t like for people to be confused so, for your reference and use, here are some situations we’ve run across/heard of in a bar/maybe seen on t.v. where a body should maybe not be so surprised to wake in jail:

-If there are red and blue lights behind you and you yell “WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO” and hit the gas. (Okay, that one I saw in a movie, but it happens.)

-Urinating. In. Public.

-If you have recently committed a very obvious crime and the police have been sitting outside of your house for a week*.

-If a JO politely requests that you wait calmly while your attorney attempts to work out a deal and you look at the judge and say: “F**k YOU!”

-If you get into a fist fight in the courtroom. (Seriously dude, tuck and roll, that Sheriff will pull the other party off of you in just a tick...)

-Being “animated” and not the charming kind.

-If you didn't show up to court because you: had a warrant/fled the jurisdiction/didn't want to pay.

-If you tell a JO that you don’t intend to “agree” to anything that happens in his/her courtroom.

-If you don’t pay your child support. For a year. **

-Disrespect a JO

-Disrespect court staff.

-Disrespect another attorney or court staff in front of a JO.

-Any variation on the themes above. 

I don’t look good in orange, so I do my best to avoid these situations.  If you dig orange/black and white horizontal stripes (nobody looks good in that)/a weird khaki color and eating cheese sandwiches please feel free. However, I hear out of county food is better… it’s a rumor, but I feel pretty confident it is true.

On a completely unrelated note – When did 40 degrees become summer?  Good glory it is a B.E.A.U.tiful day outside! 

*“IMPD Surveillance Van” and “IMPD Surveillance Van – Guest” showing up as wireless options on your ipad for a week are a reasonable tip off.

**There have been recent reports of a man “going to jail for paying too much child support”.  I’ve seen the news clips and I’ve read the articles and I feel pretty confident that he was not sent to jail “for paying too much child support”.  My clues which lead me to that conclusion are as follows: article states that man “walked out of courtroom after being found in contempt”, the fact that he scrambled to pay $3K right before the hearing to get “all paid up” and my general courtroom experience.  Let me say this, if you are sent to jail in one of the counties in which we frequently practice, and you have paid AS ORDERED, see one of the other above reasons as to why you may have landed in a jumpsuit.

Dressing for Court

Believe it or not, there is a sign at one of our local courts that advises people that bathing suits are prohibited.  WHAT!??!!  You say, “Who could think that a bathing suit is appropriate attire?”.  Trust me, I had this conversation with my fabulous partner on his first trip to that court.  He absolutely did not believe that someone would wear a bathing suit to court.  Then, the first summer he was working there, he became a believer.

I saw the sign again the other day and it stuck in my head.  “No bathing suits”.. Sure, most of us would not think of wearing a bikini to a court.  However, there are all kinds of other, less obvious traps that folks fall into every.single.day.  I call them: “Over-dressing your request”, “Casually uncool” and “What were you thinking?”.  Now, these are in the context of the courtroom ‘cause that’s where I live.  However, they also apply to the work place, the gym place, the street place, anyplace really.  I’m going to hop up on my soap box again for a wee minute to address some issues. Let’s face it, I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight unless we do.  

Over Dressing – The most rare of attire faux pas, it does still exist and can cause trouble in unexpected ways.  We all want to look our best.  However, if you are going to ask a judge to give you a public defender for your criminal case, or to lower your child support obligation, the choice of a Coach bag, or a Prada belt, or a baseball cap with the tag still on it will probably not help your cause.  The Court does not know if the bag is a knock off, or the hat was a gift from your Grandma for your birthday, and they are not likely to ask.  I wouldn’t.  Also, if there’s the chance that you’re going to lock up, 15 lbs of jewelry maaaaay be a poor choice.  Also, that 3 piece super fine woven silk suit with matching suede heeled boots? Whoa. Just Whoa.

Under Dressing –  Things that should be off the table for court immediately are: Gym shoes (even shiny super clean ones), t-shirts, hoodie sweat shirts, non-hoodie sweat shirts, jogging pants, etc.  Torn jeans, whether you tore them or they came that way. Unless they’re Jeaggings, in which case – see the next category.   While jeans have gained acceptance in the regular work place and all sorts of previously formal events, most JO’s still cringe at the sight of them.  I know one JO who, afraid that she was being unreasonable, went to several Goodwill stores around the city to compare prices for jeans and khaki pants.  She determined that both jeans and khaki pants were priced the same ($3 if you are curious).  She determined, therefore, that the excuse of “I can’t afford to buy pants that aren’t jeans” would no longer be accepted.  She’s kind of a genius so I trust her judgment.

We should not even have to say this – If you can wear it to a night club, a health club, or to bed, it does not belong beyond courthouse security.  If it says “Juicy” anywhere on it, leave it at home.  If you bought them in the slipper department but they look like regular shoes (I’m not judging, I bought them too…) don’t even try it.  The Court does not want to know how great your legs are and no, leggings, jeaggings and opaque tights are not pants.  I saw a man leaving a paternity proceeding recently wearing a t-shirt that said “Not a Role Model”.  I don’t know what he was seeking in that hearing but you can bet that the judicial officer took his t-shirt as truth.  Also, just because I have to say it, see through lace shirts with a different color bra, seriously? 

Good GRIEF?!?!  What is this world coming to?  It is -15 outside and some “gentleman” just bit it in the middle of the street because his pants were so low that he couldn’t bend his knees to save himself when he slipped.  I don’t know what look he was going for but “attractive” wasn’t what he put off.  In fact, young fellas, here is a PSA from the ladies: We don’t think your butt being out in public is attractive.  We don’t think your underwear, whatever the style or label, being out in public is attractive.  Please for the love of Pete, pull up your pants.  Help me, help you.  (Thank you Jerry McGuire  that face at the :52 mark?  Yeah, I made it about 47 times last week.)

 In the words of the immortal Tony Dungy: “If you sag in the behind, you sag in the mind.”  I read that on a poster at the YMCA last summer, it is catchy. But seriously, please don’t wear a bathing suit to court.

-DEC

What Would Pete Sing?

Okay, so he’s not Jesus.  But it applies, I promise.

There is a sizeable debate in Indiana right now and the tone of it hurts my heart.  If you’ve been living under a rock, there is a bill in the Indiana Legislature (HJR-3) which would add an amendment to the Indiana State Constitution which would prohibit the legalization/recognition of same sex marriage in the state of Indiana.  Regardless of your stand on the issue, I think it is fair to say that it is a “heart issue”.  What I mean by that is that it isn’t necessarily something that a person decides on just using reason in the mind, but often more deeply, without rhyme or articulable reason, the stand rests in the heart. What hurts mine most in watching this debate unfold is the way I have heard and read people talk to and about the opposition.  Facebook rants about “idiots” on the other side (and worse), blurbs on the news, in the papers and splashed across my computer screen.  It is not restricted to one side or the other.  There is one thing though that I don’t see.  I don’t see those tactics changing hearts. 

Do we soothe crying babies by screaming at them?  No.  If you do, you’ve got bigger problems and will probably be hearing from DCS shortly.  Catch more flies with honey people.

This popped up more in my head more today as I thought about the passing of Pete Seeger last week-ish. “Who is Pete Seeger?” you ask.  I’m appalled.  Pete Seeger is pretty much the coolest cat who ever lived.  (Despite some rather significant ideological differences between us, I mean.)  Widely considered to be the father of the American folk music genre, he wrote, performed or made famous most of the major protest songs for issues from pre WWII labor disputes, to de-segregation and Civil Rights, to the Vietnam War, to the Hudson River clean up and even Occupy Wall Street.  You name it, this man took a polarizing stand, but set it to a tune.  Don’t think you’ve heard of any of his music? Try these on for size:

If I Had a Hammer

This Little Light of Mine

Where Have All the Flowers Gone

We Shall Overcome

Turn, Turn, Turn

This Land is Your Land

These songs moved people.  They inspired others like Peter, Paul and Mary, Woody Guthrie, Bob Dylan, and countless others.  While he did not always agree with political leadership (and by not always, I don’t think ever) and he was considered a dissident by some, he was also seen as a peaceful unifying force for causes that went deep to the heart of the evolving American culture.  He was a persistent, gentle voice and his music helped change the character of the country.  I’m not telling people what to do or where to stand (and before you send a search party to bring me back from the hippie commune you think I’ve been whisked away to) I’m just saying, I wonder how differently this conversation would go if people would stop screaming at each other and use some different tactics.

I know, I get paid to advocate, I’m a natural born scrapper.  However, there is a time and a place. “To every season, turn, turn, turn” if you will.  Personally, I would prefer a season that builds us up as a state, and as a nation, rather than tears us apart.  If Mr. Seeger were still with us, I wonder what he’d sing.

Care to partake in some fabulous American music history?  Give these a try: 

Songs to Remember

This Little Light of Mine

The Garden Song

Never Say Never When You Live in Neverland

So, in the era we’ll call “Pre-practice” I was your typical suburban gal.  I had worked in Entertainment & Attractions at Paramount’s Kings’ Island for years and I’d seen some things, but I still tossed out that word “never” a whoooole lot.   “That would never happen”, “Never in a million years”, and “Well, I never…”.  Limited possibilities.

Since I’ve landed in Neverland, I can honestly say, that the times I use the word “never” have dwindled significantly.  Why?  Because, you name it, people do it, it has happened, and it’s going to happen again.  Probably tomorrow.  I’m not kidding people.  As a civilian I would have spent half of my days looking like this little fella:

What that means is that, things that previously might not have seemed normal, that a person should maybe not expect to get accustomed to, are starting to seem common place.  Let’s give a “for instance” or three shall we?

1.    Talk shows and celebrities.  It no longer surprises me when clients, or potential clients, mention that a key piece of evidence is either footage of, or tied to a nationally syndicated talk show or celebrity.  Has Dr. Sally Maury Jerry Judy told you that your mother’s crazy sister is your brother’s baby’s father and that they can lose 100 lbs in a week? Yup.  Probably.  In fact, I once witnessed a practitioner who was more surprised that a JO (Judicial Officer) did not want to watch some particularly zaney footage than she was at the fact that the footage existed.  You know what?  Give it to me, I’ll watch it. I’ll add it to the stack with the others right after I get off the phone with this woman who says Jada Pinkett Smith hates her. We did not take that case, but I did hear myself utter the phrase “Well, I hear Jada is very nice, why would she want to do something so mean to you?”  (Insert your own PSA for taking your meds.) These things are real. These lives are real. And I really do think JPS is probably really nice.  She looks nice.

1.     ‘I didn’t let my child go to his Dad’s for parenting time because it was raining/snowing/cloudy with a side of meatballs.’  Now, I’ll address this one more in another post entitled “Things Are More Likely To Get You Sent To Jail” but I bring it up here to give you an idea of the reasons why people do what they do. To most people, whatever their reasons for doing something, in their mind, it made perfect sense.  You cannot effectively convince them that it does not make sense.  Sometimes you have to settle for convincing them that other people could see it differently or at minimum that even if they think the JO is wrong times infinity plus another infinity, that they must do as the JO says. 

2.    I can’t even tell you the really good one.  Let’s just say, “dead guy on my desk” and leave it at that shall we?  Totes Magoats people Totes Magoats.

And, just because I’m a giver, if you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t seen it, watch this: James Earl Jones is Amazeballs.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RWkizigO50

That’s advertising genius people. 

Happy Friday!

-DEC

Baby It’s Cold Outside

So, during Snowpacolypse 2014 I became a bear.  I spent 4 days, inside my home, baking everything in sight to keep warm.  My butter consumption began to rival Paula Dean’s…pre-diabetes slim down Paula Dean.  I kid you not, peanut butter cookies, bread, corn chowder (with whole cream), turkey, turkey pot pie…I’m single so you can imagine this was a problem.  It was beautiful and dangerous and almost as fascinating to watch as the shows I was binge watching on Netflix. 

The problem is that since the great thaw-ish, I still don’t want to go outside. I go out for work, duck into the courthouse once or thrice a day, and then speed (within the confines of the local speed limits in my jurisdiction, Officer) home where I immediately turn back into a bear. A statute reading, hearing prepping, compulsive email checking bear. With butter.

On a related note: God bless those poor court staff who are going to have to deal with the fallout from three days of closed courts.  (More in some counties.) (Let's face it, there are sprinklings of court closing days weekly now it seems.)  For anyone who doesn’t know, courts simply don’t have days with nothing on the calendars.  Sometime, when I have proper citations, of course, I’ll give you the exact numbers of cases that each court has going on any given year…today is not that day.  But let’s say, average, a civil court has 4-5 hearings or meetings on their docket per day, a criminal court may have 30-40 initial hearings or pre-trial conferences…each with multiple parties, attorneys, GALs…multiply that by twenty plus courts in Marion County alone, multiply that chaos by the now rescheduled hearings from closed days…insane.  Someone better get a big ole’ fruit basket from old man winter for Administrative Assistant Day (April 23, 2014 for those who should be putting it on the calendar right now – you know who you are).

-DEC